Hush-hush Closet Stuff

*WARNING: This is real to me so it's gonna be real to somebody else. If you want to think happy thoughts only, you may not want to read today. Everything I write though will be with purpose and have solutions. Smile 'cus Jesus loves ya! :-)*

Hearing people talk about Christmas made me realise that it is oft associated with family meltdown moments, crazy crises, taut tension... (sorry for the overload of alliteration and pleonasms - I'll stop there). Basically, what I'm hearing is that Christmas is often synonymous with ugly family time. I was somewhat surprised to discover this but then again, I oughtn't be. Let's be honest, it's not just on that one day out of 365 that there's family drama. Family issues go way back. Way way way back. Oh dear. This is such a massive topic, I'm going to go in with one aspect that led me to get blogging.

I didn't want to do this. On Christmas Day. Or ever really. But I really must. *Sigh* *Deep breath*

So, we sometimes use the image of the closet. You know, all those awful family secrets or personal secrets that nobody EVER needs to know about.

But the reality is that absolute madness goes down in the family tree.

I've come to realise that this great war that is raging: good versus evil, between God and Satan, runs deep into DNA. (Praise God for victory already gained through Jesus!)

I've come to realise that the devil tries to screw us up as much as possible as early on as possible.

My experience has revealed this truth to me in two main areas:

#1. Sexuality

- sexual abuse

- molestation

- sexual exploration

- sexual activity

- pornography

All encountered in the my family, with my relatives, people from the same gene pool as me, extended family though they may be. And all that before my teenage years have arrived.

Madness.

#2. Violence

- verbal abuse (shouting, swearing, cussing, putting down...)

- physical abuse (hitting, scratching, punching...)

I have witnessed this madness.

I have been a perpetrator.

I have been a victim.

I've experienced guilt from being both a perpetrator and a victim. That's how sin works. It messes up both parties. On purpose.

But how do I move on from that guilt? From hurt, anger, pain, shame?

This is a question many of us have tried to answer or tried to ignore.

At the end of the day (or the blog post, or whenever) you're going to choose what you do with the question but of course I can only tell of what I have experienced.

I've experienced forgiveness. Forgiving the ones who have made me a victim - which frees me! I think it's so so crucial. I urge and plead with all to do just that, 'cus guess what - when you don't forgive, you hold on to the hurt and it makes you sick. Sicker. Emotionally, physically... you're in bad shape spiritually. No they probably don't deserve it, but you deserve to be free of anger and pain, right? Why should you double the effect of their wrongdoing against you? Nah!

When I consider the fact that God forgives me over and over and over and over and over and over again for the wrong that I've done. When I actually experience His forgiveness which is characterised by the removing of that heavy sense of guilt and replacing it with perfect peace *contented smile* I need to give that to somebody else. If they don't want it - that's their choice, but I refuse to be chained by the weight of chains that are not mine! Mercy is a concept we humans struggle with.

Something for nothing? A gift? "What must I give in return?" we ask, with suspicion in our question mark.

But what I love about God is: He is not like me. His thoughts are not like mine. I find that the harshness of my judgement of what I consider to be unforgivable acts is incompatible with my pleas for forgiveness when I've done wrong. I'm so so quick to say 'forget you', but I want to be forgiven like - yesterday. So yeah, I'm glad God is who He is. His character is attacked from every angle - people don't understand: why does He let these mad things happen? (I need to give that question a blog post of its own.)

The things I've mentioned are those things we know have happened in the family, between different members, but that we never ever mention - as if it will make these things disappear or undo themselves. Reality is, they've had an impact on who I am today.

But I am so grateful that these things haven't defined me. Or perhaps I should say, they haven't defined me as the devil intended and definitely not forever.

The way I see it beloved, is that as a battered woman, I can either hide my bruises...

or let you see them,

break down how I got into the situation where I got them,

and let you know how I've come out on the other side,

and how these souvenirs of my past pain remind me that I am able to overcome.

Oh yes, every scar reminds me who gave me strength to get through: my God - even though I may not have acknowledged Him at the time, I see it now. And knowing Him gives me true purpose so I can use my story to encourage others who are hiding their scars, letting them know they needn't beat themselves up but instead recognise that they have a purpose and they can weather any storm by getting self-worth from the One who made them.

So Christmas is that time where many people get together with their families. Christ is not really the reason for the season to many but he is the reason I'm alive and whole despite the fact that pieces of me have been taken, or I've given some away. I have tears in my eyes as I actually think about this. That someone - not just anyone, but God himself - was willing to come in the form of a mere mortal to save me from this condition I call 'madness' is mind-blowing.

Merry Christmas! I'm going to keep on loving my family and they'd better keep on loving me so we can extend this celebration into eternity!

*I had to go back and edit this post to actually make it personal. It is haaard. But you, Reader, are teaching me that it's necessary. Bless you. x

Isaiah 55:8 (KJV): For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD.

1 John 4:20 (KJV): If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?

Luke 6:32-36 (NLT):

“If you love only those who love you, why should you get credit for that? Even sinners love those who love them! And if you do good only to those who do good to you, why should you get credit? Even sinners do that much! And if you lend money only to those who can repay you, why should you get credit? Even sinners will lend to other sinners for a full return.

“Love your enemies! Do good to them. Lend to them without expecting to be repaid. Then your reward from heaven will be very great, and you will truly be acting as children of the Most High, for he is kind to those who are unthankful and wicked. You must be compassionate, just as your Father is compassionate.